Letting Go

Early in my career as a mother, my own mother’s advice to me simply stated that the greatest gift I could give my children was independence. That seemed easy enough considering they were only young at the time. I was actually quite open to my children being independent. From potty training to feeding themselves I eagerly cheered; “bring it on”. Who doesn’t want to see their little ones conquer all those milestones that we have so carefully marked as important; first tooth, first word, and first step? We encourage each and every one of these as if our own worth as a parent is measured by their triumphant execution. However my mother forgot to tell me that to give this wonderful gift of dependence I would have to “let go”.

Those early years are so amazing. Each and every day brings something new and from our vantage point as parents it is even more exciting as we anticipate what is next. I was no different from many other young mothers, reveling in it all until that dreaded “first day of school.” Sure I was committed to this child’s independence but did he really have to walk across the street into that schoolyard every morning by himself for that to happen? It is a good thing that day one at school allows every parent to pretend that they travel to school with their children just to be a part of one of those “firsts” never once admitting how totally unprepared they are for this first experience of “letting go”.

Once I survived my “first day of school” I heaved a big sigh of relief thinking that’s behind me. Oh no, two years later the very same feelings and all the same fears. It was then that I began to realize why my mother felt it so necessary to share the importance allowing independence with me. This is no easy thing and it doesn’t get any easier.

I graduated from the walk across the road to the primary school to a bus to the elementary school. I know it sounds simple enough, oh no. It is scary. There are new and even bigger dangers lurking around every corner; older and bigger kids traveling alongside your son or daughter. Each time that I felt the urge to pile them into my car and drive them I would hear my mother’s words, take a deep breath and carry on.

I now have had many years of practicing this concept of “letting go” and my kids and I squarely disagree on how well I have performed. I give myself an “A” for all the times I choked back my fears and allowed them to face the challenges of growing up. They on the other hand would probably give me a “C” for all the times I wasn’t ready for their next steps.

I still believe that what my mother said was so true and I tried to always consider whether the decisions I made on behalf of my children held them back or held them up. Either way I would like to pass my mother’s advice along to you because at some time in the process of growing up children will need to make decisions for themselves and they need to know how.

So, here I am at probably the most difficult stage of this process of “letting go”. With four young adults ranging from 19 – 22, one getting ready to graduate from university in this spring, and three not far behind, they all now ask for the car keys and each definitely believe that a curfew is only for me and the dog. I find myself facing more “firsts” than ever. As the optimist that I am I keep hoping for it to get easier but no such luck. I still struggle with letting them make choices that I know from my experience they will regret. Exams and reports are perfect examples of me taking a far too active role in their decisions on when and how long to study. Then there are those things can have an even bigger impact like backing out of the driveway too fast…far too fast. (I hope you are reading this.)

I think I’m finally getting it, not that either of the four in this house would entirely agree with me. I on the other hand am quite proud of the fact that I am more excited than scared of the next couple of years where each leaving home will be inevitable. 

So, thanx Mom for that great advice.

How does my garden grow?

Everyone admires a beautiful garden and I’m no exception, although I didn’t inherit my mother’s green thumb.  In fact, I seem to be more skilled at forgetting to water and care for the precious floras and faunas that I am at nurturing them into a healthy existence. 

An incident at my parents’ home clearly illustrates my lack of knowledge.  I commented to my sister on how pretty a yellow rose was in a floral arrangement.

“Yes,” she replied, “it would be if it wasn’t a tulip.”

Lucky for me the ability to admire doesn’t hinge on knowledge.  A pretty flower is a pretty flower and I still maintain that I love a pretty garden. 

The thought of having a lovely garden was actually the driving force behind a decision to hire a landscape company to perform a backyard make-over.  We had a lot of our own ideas and we sat down and put our thoughts on paper.  “How exciting,” we thought.

Like any project, this one was a slow evolution.  We discussed placing flower boxes here and rock walls there.  I was already planning the wonderful barbeques that we would have once our courtyard retreat was completed. 

In support of grassroots entrepreneurism, we hired a small landscaping company that I had stumbled upon a few months earlier.  So far so good, right?  Well, over the next six weeks our dreams of a glorious courtyard retreat turned into a nightmare. 

It all started well enough.  The fence was tackled first – straightened scraped and painted.  It took a little longer than expected but we were patient.  The next couple of weeks saw a corner garden and rock wall constructed.

Nice, but the rock wall wasn’t the height we had asked for.  By that time we had been waiting four weeks and my birthday barbeque that was supposed to be our first celebration in our new courtyard retreat came and went with everyone saying how nice it would be once it was finished. 

“Once it’s finished,” became the project’s theme.  Nailing down a completion date was harder than nailing Jell-O to the fence.  It was always only going to be a couple of more days. 

At that point, my spider senses were telling me we had a problem.  It was then all the questions I should have asked at the start of the project came rushing to me.  What’s the company’s track record?  We hadn’t even asked for references.  Sure, we had a quote in writing, but when I reviewed it so much was open to interpretation.

I suddenly realized that my inexperience had probably contributed to making a bad decision.  It’s confusing to deal with a project that’s new to you, which I’m sure most readers would relate to in dealing with a contractor. 

I had no idea how much a bag of “top” grade mulch should cost and I definitely had no idea how much plant material you could buy with $100 bucks.  To be truthful, by the time we were five weeks into the project the only thing I was certain of was that 18 inches isn’t two feet, the height the rock wall was supposed to be.  The rest was very cloudy and getting cloudier. 

By week six, everyone was feeling the stress.  Patio stones were laid and our troubles grew.  I watched from the sidelines, feeling more uneasy each passing day.  You know that sinking feeling that comes when you know something just isn’t going to get any better and you have to take action?  Knowing that frustration can often lead to even worse decisions, we sought some advice of someone more knowledgeable (a little late I know). 

All our concerns were confirmed, especially regarding the patio stones.  Our first course of action was to try and negotiate with the company we had hired.  We were shocked when our concerns were met with confrontational language.  After several attempts to resolve our issues we were forced to discontinue the contract and take a loss financially. 

We then licked our wounds and turned our attention to some other renovations that we had planned.  Needless to say, we hired a qualified project manager that negotiated with the contractors on our behalf and everything is going great and on schedule. 

We finally finished our courtyard retreat and now I’m content to look our window and admire the beautiful roses in our garden.  Or are they tulips?  Whatever – they really are pretty.